Newsletter

Endings … Goodbyes … Retirements … Heartbreaks … Letting go.

It is all such a challenge, because in fact, saying goodbye to what was wonderful can carry with it enormous pain. Goodbyes slay me. Working with amazing people in amazing schools and then the project ends; getting to hang out these last few weeks with my beloved son before he goes off for an internship in NYC tomorrow; or savoring the last moments with my daughter before her imminent engagement and ensuing wedding planning madness and she’s off.

“Whither thou goest, I will go.”

Friends and family who move, leave, die … so much of life is sad, and yet it reminds us that we are actively living our lives, building important connections with people who have meant so much to us, changed us, made us better by virtue of their being in our lives.

I wish I had more of the Japanese concept of Wabi Sabi in me, which wisely embraces the fact that nothing lasts. We are reminded of this at a high school or college graduation, our children who grow up and leave home, of relationships that went a shorter distance of time than we had hoped for, of mortal lives which pass on. Moving into the hopefully slower and more leisurely pace of summer, I want to learn how to exchange the intensity of sadness for a rewind of the mental movie of all of that wonderful interaction that we can replay at will over and over again.

Summer brings us an invitation to remember and savor as we relax on a beach or hike up a mountain trail. Replay those wonderful mental movies of people and places that touched and changed you. Be grateful for your ‘better self’ by virtue of their impact. Say thank you to the heavens for the mentors who adopted you, the people who loved you when you didn’t love yourself, the relationships you have built and nurtured which mean so much to you. Pain of goodbye equals moments to savor and the blessing of love. It’s a new equation to embrace.

~ Fran

When Rebecca Pearson knows that her Alzheimer’s disease will only get worse, she is still mentally clear to share the following quote with her three adult children:

“I need you all to hear my voice right now, your mother’s voice with all of her faculties. You will not make your lives smaller because of me. This thing that’s happening to me will not be the thing that holds you back,” she continued. “So, take risks. Make the big moves, even if they’re small moves. Forge ahead with your lives in any and every direction that moves you. I’m your mother and I’m sick. And I’m asking you to be fearless. And if that seems like a tall order, well, guess what? It is, but the only acceptable response is a resounding, ‘Yes, ma’am.’” “Yes, ma’am,” each child replied.

10 Reflecting Questions on Goodbyes and Transitions:

1. In what ways has the loss of someone changed you and made you better?
2. What messages do you listen to on a frequent basis from someone who has passed?
3. How have you woven people of your heart into your daily life?
4. What parts of you do you value that were passed on to you from someone who you have loved?
5. What do you want to always remember from a person who touched your heart?
6. In what ways are you passing on your cherished lessons learned to other people?
7. What influence from others can you share to make better the lives of people in your midst?
8. What are the values and ideals that you have internalized from the great influencers in your life who have passed on?
9. In what ways are you your best self by virtue of those great influencers of your life?
10. How do you pass those lessons learned on to everyone around you and pay it forward?

5 of My Favorite Quotes about Letting Go:

1. “Thank God I found the GOOD in goodbye” – Beyoncé Knowles
   
2. “I realize there’s something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they’re experts at letting things go.” – Jeffrey McDaniel
   
3. “Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.” – Tony Schwartz
   
4. “It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” – Paulo Coelho
   
5. “There’s a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over — and to let go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its value and impact.” – Ellen Goodman
   
   *Bonus Quote: “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost

5 of My Favorite Songs About Change and Goodbyes:

1. The Circle Game, by Joni Mitchell
   
2. Turn, Turn, Turn, by The Byrds
   
3. Landslide, by The Dixie Chicks
   
4. Changes, by David Bowie
   
5. Grow as We Go, by Ben Platt

June 2022

June 1 & 2, 2022
Leadership Training: Feedback and Trust. Department of Teaching and Learning, Virginia Beach City Public Schools. VA

June 7, 2022
Leadership Retreat, The Madeira School. McLean, VA

June 9-13, 2022
Preparation Interviews, The Bavarian International School. Munich, Germany

June 19-27, 2022
Israel

June 28, 2022
Association of School Superintendents Women in Leadership Retreat, Alexandria, VA

June 30, 2022
Ride for the Living, Krakow, Poland

With twenty-five million people leaving their jobs this year, it’s more than just burnout, it’s a huge wake-up call.

For as long as I can remember, I was in a hurry. I rushed through elementary and secondary school skipping grades, flying through college in three years, earning a Master’s in my twenties and a PhD at night while teaching full time.

When I look back on those days, I was seemingly trying to beat the speed of light. I was trying to outrun time. I honestly don’t know why I was on a treadmill that wouldn’t slow down. And I kept running to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and beat the clock with accomplishments, awards, travels, friendships, books written, and creating a family. Melissa Mazmanian, Professor at UC Irvine states, “The idea of doing less is just not coded into high achieving people’s sense of self.” And so, I did more.

It actually took a global pandemic to make me stop, really stop, in a way no one, including me could have ever imagined. No one was running anywhere. I suddenly found myself with the blessing of time since there were no planes to catch, so instead, I scheduled myself on an inward journey. Suddenly, there was time for some ‘internal house cleaning’ along the lines of Marie Kondo’s Konmari … what to keep and what to discard. Running did not spark joy, so I am throwing away running. There is no point.

Imagine if we as school leaders actually stopped long enough to listen, deeply listen, to the fears, hurts, and joys of the people around us. To sit with the stress of war, a pandemic becoming endemic, and the ever-present question, “Now what? What else could possibly happen?” Just wait. It will.

Pause … Sit … Think … Breathe … Listen … Wonder … Hope … Savor … Pray

In this new world, we must engage in a long overdue rewiring. There is too much stress. There are too many external assaults on our time. There are too many things to fear. The way to address all of this is to stop, breathe, reconnect with people you love, and make sure you schedule something that simply puts a smile on your face. Relax the towering goals, the walls to scale, and the checklists to complete. It’s just not worth it.

As time flies by at warp speed and horrors take the lives of so many around us, just stop. Put the brakes on the race of ambition that we were raised to revere. It’s a new world order. Find a bench in a park and claim it. You deserve it. It is long overdue.

~ Fran

5 of My Favorite Books About Pausing:

“Pause: Harnessing the Life-Changing Power of Giving Yourself a Break”, by Rachel O’Meara

“Chasing Slow: Courage to Journey off the Beaten Path”, by Erin Loechner

“Dreams of the Overworked”, by Beckman and Mazmanian

“Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic For a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living“, by Shauna Niequist

“Grace, Not Perfection: Embracing Simplicity, Celebrating Joy“, by Emily Ley

5 of My Favorite Quotes about Pausing:

“The world may feel like it’s spinning out of control, but you don’t have to. Anchor into your breath. Slow your pace so that you can remain clear.” ― Hania Khuri-Trapper

“But ultimately, we hit a wall. We realize we’re running on fumes and that while we thought we were doing the right thing; we have actually been sabotaging ourselves.” ― Emily Ley

“Are you aware that rushing toward a goal is a sublimated death wish? It’s no coincidence we call them ‘deadlines.” ― Tom Robbins

“The world may feel like it’s spinning out of control, but you don’t have to.” ― Hania Khuri-Trapp

“When you’re working at an unsustainable pace, when you feel emotionally flooded, when things are moving so fast you can’t keep up, then you need to add Stillness to your day. The goal is to take however much time you need to quiet your mind.” ― Darcy Luoma

If the pandemic has taught us anything, I hope it begins with our giving up perfectionist tendencies and fully embracing and enacting self-compassion. To do this means that we consciously choose a very different thought pattern … one that is inwardly kind, compassionate, supportive, and loving. Our inner game runs our outer game.

This thought pattern invites us to give up the impossible goal of unwavering strength and stoicism. Why is this something that we would want to aspire to? What is the blessing in not acknowledging pain and in defying the human condition? The beauty is in our struggle. It’s time to celebrate our process of navigating huge breaks of heart and hope. 

One of my favorite concepts comes from an ancient Japanese art principle called “Kintsukuroi” or Kintsugi, which literally means ‘gold (kin) repair (tsugi)’. Kintsukuroi is an art form that uses seams of gold leaf to mend broken pieces of pottery back together. On a deeper level, it is the art of finding beauty in imperfection; of accepting the cycle of endings, change, and our transiency; of valuing the authenticity of our broken pieces.

The broken pieces become the highlight, our eye’s focus, and the total work of art is a thing of beauty. Philosophically, Kintsukuroi represents and honors the beauty, history and most interesting parts of ourselves. They are the pieces that were the hardest won, and the lessons learned from those experiences then became the most cherished. The art of Kintsukuroi suggests that our broken pieces are the most beautiful … they have a history and they are our most meaningful opportunities to learn. Let’s embrace them as important components in the bigger tapestry of our lives.

~ Fran

The idea of Kintsukuroi invites us to reflect on our own lives. Consider these questions as you run a mental movie of the highs and lows of your life.

1. When was a time when you consciously saw your imperfections as blessings?
2. What are some examples of impermanence in your life that are a good thing?
3. What are some projects you are working on where the point lies in the process of the work and not solely on its completion?
4. What are the mistakes that you’ve made that you have learned the most from?
5. What are your broken pieces that have become positive gamechangers in your life?
6. How did your strongest emotional components evolve?
7. How do you give yourself permission to be good enough, and give yourself a break?
8. How do you guide yourself to see from a 40,000-foot view rather than getting caught in the weeds?
9. What steps do you take to emotionally heal?
10. What figurative glue do you use to put broken pieces back together?

5 of My Favorite Books Addressing Kintsukuroi:

Broken Open, by Elizabeth Lesser

The Vein of Gold, by Julia Cameron

Kintsukuroi: Rebuilding Hope & Embracing Change, by Tyler Cartwright

Kintsukori Heart: More Beautiful for Having Been Broken, by Gabriel Amie

Becoming, by Michelle Obama

5 of My Favorite “Kintsukuroi” Quotes:

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places.” – Ernest Hemingway

“My heart is full of gold veins, instead of cracks.” – Leah Raeder

“Kintsugi [is] not just a method of repair but also a philosophy. It’s the belief that the breaks, cracks, and repairs become a valuable and esteemed part of the history of an object, rather than something to be hidden. That, in fact, the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.” – Kathleen Tessaro

“The scars are the design. Your attention is drawn to the cracks and how they are mended. That is what you’re supposed to see. The beauty is in the brokenness.” – Justin Whitmel Earley

“It symbolizes how we must incorporate our wounds into who we are, rather than try to merely repair and forget them.” – David Wong

Hans Solo and Chewbacca; Gertrude Stein and Ernest Hemingway; Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. Each of these pairs represents the power and gift of true friendship. These deep, real, reciprocally vulnerable friendships have the ability to restore, enrich, give meaning, and profoundly change us and the trajectory of our lives. They are a great gift and a blessing. 

As we tentatively crawl out of a metaphorical pandemic blender that’s been set on purée, we give thanks for the friends who sustained us as we tumbled down rabbit holes. It was our friends who helped us to counteract loneliness, who listened to our fears and kept us company through loss, who shared the elusive hope that we would once again be together face to face. I dedicate this edition of Leadership Lessons to the power of friendship in our lives.

I am blessed to have had two soulmate friends in my lifetime. A soulmate is defined as a pair of individuals who truly can see, understand, appreciate, and celebrate the other in all of the imperfect renditions of their ‘selves’. We laugh and cry together, finish each other’s sentences, know each other’s Achilles heels, and love each other just the same. Vulnerability and psychological safety are the key attributes that make soulmate friendships sacred.

The likelihood is that you will encounter perhaps one or two soulmate friendships during your lifetime and that’s if you’re lucky. What about the rest of the time? Lillian Rubin, a noted psychologist and author of Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in our Lives, discusses the value of ‘friends in spots.’ Friends in spots includes your work buddies, your tennis partner, the neighbor who collects your mail or packages when you’re away, your Starbucks barista, and the supermarket checkout clerk that you chat with while bagging your groceries. Given the daily trauma and anxiety in which we live, let’s bring light and joy to every possible interaction by cultivating these friends in spots. They maximize the sweetness of human connections by helping us learn more about their lives, in seeking commonalities, and by bringing a smile or an acknowledgment to a connection.

When we sum up the totality of our friends in spots, we amass an entire day interwoven with connection after connection layered with positive mental health interactions and energy through the power of people and community. The world becomes our garden to cultivate and grow through our friendships. It is time to start strengthening and belonging to a world enriched by the people in it. Spring is coming and with the clarion call of Spring, let’s try to bloom in every way possible beginning with nurturing the special gift of our friendships.

~ Fran

5 of My Favorite Songs about Friendship:

1. Friends, by Bette Midler
2. You’ve Got a Friend in Me, by Randy Newman
3. You’ve Got a Friend, by Carole King
4. That’s What Friends Are For, by Dionne Warwick and Friends
5. Lean on Me, by Bill Withers

5 of My Favorite Books about Friendship:

1. Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close, by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman 
2. Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in Our Lives, by Lillian B. Rubin
3. The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People, by Rachel Wilkerson Miller
4. Marrow: Love, Loss, and What Matters Most, by Elizabeth Lesser
5. Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience, by Brené Brown

5 of My Favorite Friendship Quotes:

1. “A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still gently allows you to grow.” – William Shakespeare
2. “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” – CS Lewis
3. “Good friends help you to find important things when you have lost them: your smile, your hope, and your courage.” – Doe Zantamata
4. “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer
5. “Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning to do afterward.”

~ Kurt Vonnegut

The only real laughter comes from despair.”

~ Groucho Marx

In many regions of the world, other than Valentine’s Day, February can be a dark, cold, and dreary month. And, depending on your current status, Valentine’s Day may not be terribly great either. The extra five holiday pounds still cling, and it still feels like a very long way until Spring break. Maybe that’s why the ‘Calendar Gods’ blessedly thought to make February the shortest month of the year. In spite of Omicron running rampant and best practices riddled with conflicting opinions on mitigation and management; when there aren’t enough teachers to cover classes; when at-home COVID tests and N95 masks are in short supply… we must find ways to laugh.

We have to laugh.
We have to laugh more.
We have to laugh harder than ever before.

This is our new reality. Send in the clowns. This newsletter is dedicated to February and the real need for a good belly laugh.

A host of studies indicates that humor strengthens your immune system, helps you live longer, creates stronger teams and groups, and strengthens a positive culture. Many studies focus on how humor can increase cohesiveness and act as a lubricant to facilitate more efficient communication.

Researchers have found that effective humor can increase the quantity and quality of group communications, because humor increases trust. The people who scored high on a test that measured sense of humor for social purposes, coping humor, and appreciation of humor and humorous people were considered more trustworthy. So how funny are you?

To explain the pervasive role of humor in human social interaction, Miller (2000a) proposed that intentional humor evolved as an indicator of intelligence. How about that? Forget I.Q. Do stand-up comedy instead. Indeed, there is a correlation between intelligence and the ability to see irony, create satire, and make connections between unlike things…all of which can lead to a laugh.

Lastly, there is a growing body of research indicating that a good guffaw may improve immune function, help lower blood pressure, boost mood, and reduce stress and depression. A noted cardiologist states, “We don’t have any clinical outcome evidence to show that laughter will reduce heart attacks or improve overall survival. However, we do have a number of studies that have shown that there is a potential upside, in terms of vascular benefits and also overall health,” he explains.

These findings certainly support laughter as a reasonable prescription for heart health and health in general, especially since there’s really no downside.”

It is time to intentionally, proactively, and designedly laugh. Below are some jokes, links, and movies which might help get you started.

LOL,
Fran

You have a beautiful laugh. Like the promise of tomorrow.”

~ Renee Ahdieh

5 of My Favorite (Short, Clean) Funny Jokes:

1. Three co-workers are at lunch when they confess to their shortcomings.
   “I drink too much,” says the first. “In fact, I keep a bottle in my desk drawer at all times.”
   “I lust after all the women in our office,” admits the second guy.
   The first two turn to the third. “What about you?”
   “Me? I can’t stop gossiping.”
2. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
3. A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk in to a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit “What will you have?” The rabbit says “I dunno – I am only here because of autocorrect”.
4. What sound does a sheep make when it explodes? Sis-boom-BAA.
5. What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy? A Kitchy-kitchy-Coup

5 of My Favorite Funny YouTube Videos:

1. Billy Crystal and Robin Williams Dancing in Comic Relief (start at 1:33)
2. Carol Burnett Show: Dentist Office Visit with Tim Conway and Harvey Korman (start at 1:07)
3. The Golden Girls: Betty White and the Great Herring Wars
4. The Johnny Carson Show: Ed Ames and the Tomahawk Scene
5. Carol Burnett Show: Tara Scene with Harvey Korman

5 of My Favorite Mel Brooks Movies:

1. High Anxiety (1977)
2. Blazing Saddles (1974)
3. Spaceballs (1987)
4. Young Frankenstein (1974)
5. The History of the World Part One (1981)

There is no Wi-Fi in the forest, but I promise, you will find a better connection.”

You may notice that this is a special holiday newsletter edition combining November and December. You may also notice that this is not my typical cheery newsletter. Here’s why.

As a result of an unanticipated move from a home and neighbors whom I love, I was left in a state of deep grief. The required packing, moving, and unpacking left me in turmoil and exhaustion. All of the fall holiday dinners which required a ‘Martha Stewart’ impersonation left me fried and flattened.

It has been nearly impossible for brain synapses to jump into any meaningful, coherent thought. I gave myself permission to stop, rest, and wait for some kind of “flow” (in memory of Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi and his book Flow) to kick in. Flow has a mind of its own and does not follow a Gregorian calendar. Hence, a combined holiday newsletter.

Then it hit me. FLOW! Thank you, stars above.

I’ve heard similar sentiments from administrators around the world with whom I have the privilege of working. This includes, “I am putting a smile on my face every day, trying to be a symbol of strength for my teachers, but the fact is I go home every day and cry.” And a quote that might resonate with you, “I have nothing left to give. I thought that last year was hard with the pandemic. It doesn’t hold a candle to what this fall has been like.”

All of my client schools and school systems have reported that students returned to school out of control, acting out or downright traumatized. Suspensions, referrals, fights and other inappropriate behavior from students has risen 40% compared to pre-pandemic levels. The teachers are enacting a politically correct version of the same, as found in the number and frequency of teachers calling in sick in the name of mental health or leaving the profession in record numbers.

On average, on any given school day, you’ll find six absent teachers’ classrooms for which there are no substitute teachers available to cover. The effect of the new reality is that the teachers who do show up – and are also exhausted with classrooms of their own – are now covering their absent colleagues’ classrooms using their personal and prep times. The same goes for administrators, central office, and support personnel. The exhaustion digs deeper and wider.

How could this year be an easier one when a belief that a recovery was imminent betrayed us and the fourth wave of the virus has brought spiked numbers along with the threat of death or just waiting for the next shoe to drop? People have dragged themselves to a Thanksgiving holiday in the US or are currently searching for the light of the holiday break throughout the world.

Let’s not pretend that “this is the most wonderful time of the year.” It has been hard and heartbreaking for so many.

~Fran

The New Survival Game Plan

We need a new plan of attack which is way beyond the requisite Self-Care and Resilience 101 lessons. This requires a downright HALT. You get a round of applause for just getting out of bed! We all need an intensive care prescription for giving ourselves a break, for breathing deeply, and for avoiding or minimizing contact with toxically positive people.

10 Questions to Reflect Upon

1. When was the last time you made it okay to do your best and say that it is good enough…even if you could have given it more effort?
2. In what ways do you listen to others without an intention to cheer someone up or “fix it”, but to be present for someone’s disappointment, sadness or exhaustion?
3. When was the last time you asked for help?
4. With what frequency do you give yourself permission to say “no”, “not available”, “maxed out” or “so sorry. I can’t’.
5. What does “rest” look like for you?
6. What have you let yourself off the hook for in the last week, month or year?
7. How can you leave your work at home so you can declare a true day of rest over the weekend?
8. Imagine what would happen if you didn’t send out Christmas cards this year? (Start with “Nothing”).
9. Decide which holiday tradition you will take a pass on this year because it is too much work.
10. How might you give yourself permission to read this newsletter in the New Year? – (trick question)

5 of My Favorite Quotes on Taking a Rest:

1. “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes…including you.” – Anne Lamott
2. “If you will only pause, as you hurry through your days, take a minute to look at passersby, beyond cursory skin-deep analysis, all the way into their eyes, what beauty you might find woven from the life threads there.” – Ellen Hopkins
3. “It’s precisely those who are busiest who most need to give themselves a break.” – Pico Iyer
4. “Renewal is what happens when you realize that some of this stuff you’ve been carrying around doesn’t matter.” – Rob Bell
5. “Real rest feels like every cell is thanking you for taking care of you. It’s calm, not full of checklists and chores. It’s simple: not multitasking; not fixing broken things.” – Jennifer Williamson

The Sabbath Manifesto

• Avoid technology
• Connect with loved ones
• Nurture your health
• Get outside
• Avoid shopping
• Light candles
• Drink wine
• Eat nourishing food
• Find silence
• Give back

HAVE A WONDERFUL, RESTFUL HOLIDAY BREAK AND A BALANCED AND GENTLE NEW YEAR!