Fran Prolman

A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”

Christopher K. Germer

I am grateful that during this awful pandemic I’m still able to provide training for school directors, principals, senior leadership teams, and teacher leaders. In every webinar I give, I have a slide stating “YOU ARE ENOUGH.” This statement resonates with just about everyone in the audience. It gives people pause and the opportunity for deep reflection. It provides healing and starts conversations about self-worth, the Impostor Syndrome, perfectionist tendencies, and the ongoing feeling that whatever you bring to the table is never good enough, never okay, never satisfying.

Those 3 little words – YOU ARE ENOUGH – has triggered conversations about the need for self-compassion before self-care. It has invited people to refute deep-seated internalized “tapes” that tell leaders, “You should never give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You should never give yourself a break. People who do so are full of themselves, lazy, egocentric, resting on their own laurels, slothful and unmotivated.” The discussions have been highly personal, therapeutic, healing, reflective, and forgiving.

*Impostor syndrome describes feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that can leave people fearing that they will be exposed as a “fraud”, usually in their work lives. It can affect anyone, regardless of their success.

If/Then Questions to Ask Yourself

We all need time for reflection, healing, and giving ourselves a break. I invite you to think about these “If/Then” questions and start to practice a little self-compassion. You deserve it. We all do.

Celebrate small wins.

What would happen if I said goodbye to work and stepped away from my computer? There is entirely too much for any administrator or teacher to complete in any given day. Too much to ever get done. What if I said to myself, “Yay me! I am modeling for my ever-learning self (and those around me) what setting and keeping boundaries looks like.

There is no “Pandemic Training School” to go to.

What if I was OK with not knowing with any certainty what I am doing? What I reframed every decision as an experiment and a data collecting opportunity, a prototype in the bigger design of a “school as kaleidoscope”, changing at every turn? What if I gave myself a break?

Missteps are steps.

If we all know logically that no one is perfect, what would it look like if I actually celebrated my missteps? How would the script read and what voice would I hear?

Negative self-talk is toxic.

If I have the power to reframe the inner chatter that goes on in my mind, then what would I do with the extra bandwidth I would have? What would I replace the limiting, toxic, negative inner dialogue I have with myself with?

Calm your inner critic.

Self-compassion is the act of responding in the same supportive, understanding way you would to a friend who is facing a difficult time. What if I practiced self-compassion? What sentences would I say to myself to be kind, as opposed to being cruel? What if I didn’t judge myself so harshly when I made a mistake?

Everyone has setbacks.

Moving forward, what if I gave myself a break about one thing – just one thing – every day? What would the implications be in my personal and professional world?

Now it is your turn. What do you think? I would love to hear your If/Then questions about giving yourself a break. Feel free to Feel free to email me your thoughts.

5 of My Favorite Podcasts

It is always a good time to learn and to think about something new. Below, are 5 of my current favorite “teachers”. Note that I am limiting myself to today’s top five. This list will change, for sure.

1. Revisionist History (Malcolm Gladwell)
   After writing five NY Times bestsellers, Malcolm Gladwell has added podcasts to his claim to fame. If you’re into inquiry and thinking, this podcast is for you. He begins every episode with a question or inquiry about a person, idea or event, then he dives deep into exploring possible answers.
2. Hidden Brain (Shankar Vedentam)
   We know that unconscious patterns drive our behavior. The pandemic is a great time to figure out how those patterns are serving you and your behaviors and choices. After listening to this podcast, you’ll walk away with the science behind the pattern and a story to explore. From the collective of every podcast around the world, this one ranks an impressive 16th.It’s #2 in my book.
3. How I Built This (NPR)
   One of the many things I love about this podcast is it welcomes me into the world of millennial thinking, innovation, and entrepreneurship. They are paving the mindset path with stories of their journeys to success.
4. Yo, Is This Racist? (Andrew Ti and Tawny Newsome).
   If you have to ask, it probably is. Each episode explores questions posed by listeners and the conversation always leads to blunt (or refreshingly honest) conversations. Expand your perspective and reflect with every listening experience.
5. Code Switch (Gene Demby and Shereen Marisol Meraji)
   This podcast explores how race touches everything (i.e., culture, politics, public health) during very frank conversations with guests. Their personal experiences expand your perspective and cultural proficiency.

I am excited to introduce the inaugural issue of the monthly TLC Leadership Lessons newsletter. The purpose is to provide insightful, thought-provoking and practical information to support you on your leadership journey.

Thank God it’s 2021.

A little over a year ago, I optimistically thought that 2020 would be the year of “perfect vision”, of “clarity”. I recall thinking, “Bring it on! Let’s see what 365 days of perfect vision and clarity will reveal”.

Not in my wildest dreams (nightmares) could I have envisioned a global pandemic that would turn the world upside down and bring devastation to so many … the antithesis of clarity.

Like many of you, I dug deeply into the experiences of grief, loss, anxiety, and trauma until I could find my sea legs again. Once that kicked in, I did what I always do: I researched the new topics we were forced to face (like working from home, isolation, how to use Zoom); I created study groups; I assembled workbooks with practical strategies to get a handle on the responses to the single most impactful adult trauma of our time.

10 Pandemic Lessons to Think About

It took a global pandemic for me to learn what I should have learned all along. Below are 10 lessons I learned. What are yours? Feel free to email me your thoughts.

1. STOP DOING

Many of us were forced to stop running, doing, creating, building, and inventing in 2020. We are often so busy that we forget to breathe or to notice how busy we are. The pandemic gave me a lot of time to sit and think about the past few years. I wrote a book or completed a research project every year while working in 17 countries (I had time to count), raising two great kids, cooking gourmet meals, entertaining friends and family and maintaining relationships. After this pandemic, I don’t think I can – or want to – do that again. I suggest each of you reflect on the past and your level of “busyness”. Remember there’s a difference between being busy (working harder) and being productive (working smarter).

2. CLEAN A CLOSET

There is something to be said for cleaning out a closet or basement or attic. Did you know that clutter can cause undue stress and anxiety? Do we really need so many of everything in every category? For me, the simplicity of minimalism and lightening my load has seized my attention. So has breathing, with an emphasis on the exhale. What about you?

3. WELCOME (BACK) TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Over the summer, our small cul-de-sac became the place for building and nurturing deep relationships, the kind that doesn’t happen on a plane. It started with regular social distancing BYODs (bring your own dinners) and happy hours and eventually, as we got to know each other again, fire pit campfires with old fashioned storytelling and s’mores. Have you reconnected with your neighbors this past year?

4. I AM NOW A WATER SCULPTURE AFICIONADO.

I was sitting in my hydrangea-laden garden this past spring and summer listening to my pandemic-purchased sculpture trickle water for hours on end. For months, this small waterfall became one of my main sources of sanity. I’ll never again underestimate the spirituality and rejuvenation found in the elegance of water. What about you? Any spontaneous pandemic purchases that brought you unexpected joy?

5. CHALLENGES ARE OPPORTUNITIES

COVID-19 may be one of the biggest challenges of our lifetime. I’ve always believed that challenges can be reframed as opportunities as well as a guarantee for growth and an expanded inner-self. After 2020, I now realize I no longer need to be wary of the unknown, scary or daunting if I have myself as my wingman, not a passive observer. What a gift that has been. What about you? Did you use the pandemic as an opportunity to adjust your business, spend more time with your family, work on yourself?

6. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ADAPTABLE AND AGILE

Who knew? So many of us had to reinvent and recreate in the worst of times. That’s no small task. But we’re not alone in this complicated journey. For me, building a village of extremely talented and gifted people enriched my journey in 2020. Were you able to adapt to the changing times or are you struggling to stay afloat?

7. SELF CARE. SELF CARE. SELF CARE.

We all need to remind ourselves daily to make self-care a mandate. Self-care “oxygen” is no longer optional. I, personally, have ignored it for as long as I can remember, until now. Are you putting yourself first, at least occasionally?

8. CONNECT WITH HUMANS… AGAIN

We have to unplug from technology and re-plug in to the power of human connection. And we need to do this on a daily basis. It is the magic ingredient that we cannot live without. I am so blessed that “my people” showed me that they are always with me. Have you made the effort to unplug over the past year?

9. INTERNAL ENERGY

Aesthetics, surroundings, air, color, sound and sleep all matter and fuel our internal energy. Don’t you agree?

10. COMPASSION STARTS WITH YOU

Self-compassion is learnable, intentional and healing. Why give it to everyone else and simultaneously be stingy with ourselves? I vow to pour it on! What about you?

As Dorothy learned at the end of her yellow-brick road journey, the power to change lives inside each of us (albeit buried like an ancient Egyptian tomb). We just need to be still long enough to find, acknowledge and own this. Yes, it took a pandemic to do it and certainly yes, I will hug the stuffing out of the airport ticketing agent when I check in for a flight after more than a year of not flying.

And at the same time, I must acknowledge as Dorothy did, “There is no place like home.”

5 of My Favorite Authors

Reading books and listening to the thinking of others are true passions of mine. There is a core group of authors whom I religiously follow for their thought leadership. Below is far from a conclusive list; just my top five for the moment!

Brené Brown

Few people had heard of Brené Brown, a researcher studying shame and vulnerability at the University of Texas in Austin, when she presented her first TED talk. It is one of the top five most watched TED talks with over 80 million views. Since that time, every book she has written has become a best seller. Her website leads you to tremendous resources and perspectives, and her newly launched podcast hosts luminaries such as President Obama. The tenth anniversary reprint of her book that started it all, “The Gifts of Imperfection” is now available. This book, like her others, gives us permission to be imperfect beings striving to learn and grow, allowed to treat ourselves with self-compassion and give ourselves a break.

Ibram X. Kendi

Dr. Kendi’s groundbreaking text “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” is extraordinary. His compelling and in-depth research offers the reader a heartbreaking and illuminating history. For readers who were raised in white privilege, you get to understand that there is not a minute of privilege experienced if you are a person of color. Rather, privileges are taken away. This is an eye-opening must read. His book “How to Be an Anti-Racist” is a good second read. We all need to be intentional about confronting, speaking to and addressing racism with consistent ally behavior, investigating the implicit we all have, and by embracing thoughtful, wholehearted conversation and dialogue.

Daniel Pink

Even though Daniel Pink has written many valuable books, “To Sell is Human” remains my all-time favorite and has had the largest impact on my work. I love how he reframes the stereotype of a salesman by studying the methods of the old “Fuller Brush” salesman. The salesman isn’t brash, in your face or presumptuous. He is understated, quiet, and patient, not taking any interaction personally and doing the least amount of talking. He practices “deep listening” with his clients to understand their concerns, needs and hopes for their future. By his restraint, his curiosity and listening skills, he has collected a wide array of data to work with as he crafts his “sales pitch”, linking the product to what is important to the client. It’s thoughtful, sincere and elegant.

Simon Sinek

Ten years ago, Simon Sinek, a noted leadership author presented a TED Talk entitled “Start with Why”. His idea took off like wildfire, and within a short time it became one of the most watched TED talks garnering 33 million views. He then authored a three- book series, all of which became New York Times bestsellers. The books have definitely influenced my thinking and how I plan presentations, books, and speeches. What’s my WHY? I would recommend the entire trilogy beginning with “Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action”; “Leaders Eat Last: Why Some Teams Pull Together and Others Don’t”; and “Find Your Why: A Practical Guide for Discovering Purpose for You and Your Team”.

Margaret Wheatley

Margaret Wheatly is a one-woman intellectual tour de force in the area of wholehearted leadership and systems-thinking. I found myself re-reading some of her books during the pandemic, and am always in awe of her prescient, prophetic thinking fifteen years before the biggest global crisis of our time. How did she think and capture the future in such a focused way? Consider these book titles: “Leadership and the New Science: Discovering Order in a Chaotic World”; “Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future” or “Finding Our Way: Leadership for an Uncertain Time”. It’s as if she crafted the thinking and possibilities to be ready for when the pandemic comes and our mental health gets assaulted.

More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

When Woody Allen wrote these words forty years ago in the New York Times (August 10, 1979) it was the opening joke in his article entitled “My Speech to the Graduates”. Forty years later, this does not feel like a joke at all. We are living in a time of increased anxiety, incessant turmoil, and a barrage of media spin. This aura of anxiety has the potential to live in us, in the parents in our school communities and in the lives of our students where adolescent suicide has become the second largest cause of teenage death in the United States.

What Woody Allen didn’t offer is a third option-the option to create hope for the future by expanding our capacity to build community, a sense of belonging, and human connection through our increased skills of self-trust and self-care. It is up to us.

I consult with scores of international schools around the world, and increasingly, the number one request for my services is the teaching, facilitation, and repairing of trust among the adults which includes board members, the leadership team, teacher teams or teachers. In many situations, the biggest challenge is the lack of self-trust … to believe in our own ability to repair damage to trust, to diagnose and speak to misperceptions, to sincerely apologize and then correct a mistake, or to listen deeply to someone’s viewpoint which is vastly different from your own while withholding judgment.

All of these scenarios require internal clarity, a judgment-free ability to seek to understand, ego management, fearlessness, and the ability to negotiate a common ground. These scenarios also rely on our belief that we have the skills to withstand hurt, manage anger, and reframe fear and miscommunication even when it is directed at us.

Self-trust also means that we not only have internalized these skills; we know how to coach them in others. Self-trust highlights our ability to know how to build an infrastructure which can shift a toxic school culture into one of trust and support, and if we do not currently have that ability we believe that we know how to learn it. Self-trust also suggests that when we are the punching bag for adult misbehavior, we know how to practice intentional self-care so we can be present, grounded, and generous with our smile and supportive of others the next day.

HOW TO BUILD SELF-TRUST

Building trust, in general, is one of the biggest challenges that holds back organizations and teams from being healthy and successful (Covey, 2006; Gottman, 2011; Brown, 2012, 2019). Trust is the foundation of strong relationships, collaboration, and honesty. Without trust, there is no psychological safety, and colleagues are afraid to take risks, try new things, learn, and grow for fear of retribution. Trust can be elusive. People can sense if it is there or not, but few leaders truly take the time to study it, embrace the components of it, and grow it intentionally and consciously. Even fewer still take the time to learn that a system of trust actually starts with us in the form of self-trust.

Would that there were an award for people who come to understand the concept of enough. Good enough. Successful enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Socially responsible enough. When you have self-respect, you have enough.”
~ Gail Sheehy, Author and social critic

There has been an extraordinary response to the publication of my most recent book, Women in Leadership: Self-Trust, Self-Care, and Courage and the training which accompanies it. The seven biases against women described in the book have struck a chord in both the readers and training participants. They describe the mental toll the biases extract from the talented female leaders around us and those who aspire to become leaders. The concept of “good enough” becomes a far-away goal and longed for gift.

The burden of performance bias, where regardless of past successes and track record of leadership talent, women are expected to perform and prove themselves time and time again is very real and exhausting. The self-trust necessary to be able to tell ourselves that we are indeed enough becomes a hard-won goal and requires conscious and intentional inner work. It is a singular burden for women to bear.

In addition, it is a singular burden for women leaders to be seen as capable and focused when they are either of childbearing age, or have children they are raising while climbing up a career ladder. When are asked to prove themselves when men don’t (performance bias), even though men and women could both be returning to children waiting for them at home. There are minimal breaks

Women in Leadership Cards

Women in Leadership Cards provide the vision of what thirty powerful, successful and inspirational women leaders look like, from Cleopatra to Ruth Bader Ginsburg! Learn about their leadership strengths and what led them to their leadership which influenced their era. Become inspired by how they stayed on their leadership course. Reflect on the kind of female leader you are, and the female leader you aspire to be.

Job sharing, flexible hours, comp time and telework are rare occurrences and inconsistent at best. It is a woman leader who continues to juggle the logistics of the home front while doing their leadership job with a performance and perfection burden hanging over their heads.

In addition, the hard skills of when to say no, how to give difficult feedback to a male employee who you supervise and how to respond to harassment is discussed. The strategies for managing polarities, and navigating through confrontation and sabotage are provided, as are case studies from female colleagues in the field who share their stories of mastery in very real settings.

Lastly, the self-sustaining strategies of self-care and courage are offered in abundance so women are fortified for this long-distance run. An appendix of strategies, links, poems, quotes and inspiration are provided to keep us company along the journey.

Questions, comments and ordering information for Women in Leadership: Self- Trust, Self-Care, and Courage and the Women in Leadership Profile cards can be found at www.thelearningcollaborative.com or franprolman.com.

Men hire people who they have affinity toward…people who look like them which is known as affinity bias. Therefore, it is not a surprise why there continues to be a preponderance of white male leaders. Women of color have a wall of double discrimination which makes their climb up a leadership ladder to success becomes even more challenging. As a result, women leaders need support and encouragement. They need a psychologically safe group of mentors and supporters who can help pave the way and cheer them on. There are institutional obstacles that are real and need intentional navigating around to so that female leaders can achieve their professional goals.

Women in Leadership: Self- Trust, Self-Care, and Courage offers very practical and specific strategies and skills organized to address “soft skills” beginning with the skill of trusting ourselves to have the capacity to do hard things, ask for help, know who to call and how to withstand the heat of pressure, feedback and scrutiny.